Dateline: Tallahassee, Florida
Detective Gunther Tootie reporting:
The entire courtroom was stunned, this morning, when Buffalo Tom Peabody “escorted” Fancy (pronounced Fauncey) Brainstone’s 80 year old mother, Phoenicia Brainstone-Tubbalardi into the courtroom!
Despite District Attorney Florian Burnem’s objection, Phoenicia was allowed to testify as a character witness on behalf of her daughter Fancy!
Phoenicia refuses to believe that Fancy could have fed HER favorite grandson, Chumlee to an alligator! At one point during the proceedings she turned to her daughter and yelled, “I didn’t spend my hard earned money fattening that kid up just so you could feed him to an alligator! Only a big fat stupid idiot, like you, could do something this stupid!”
“I know you are but what am I?” barked Fancy!
Yesterday, I interviewed Phoenicia’s ex-husband, Giuseppe Tubbalardi…
At first, Giuseppe wanted to stick to happy memories, like his wedding day…
“I come from the old country, Poland, where people stay married forever, no matter what… I had NO idea…”
“We had so much fun at our wedding reception…”
“Phoenicia already had two kids, from previous affairs and didn’t want any more, which was fine with me. She was also looking after her grandson, Chumlee… Who was her daughter Fancy’s boy. He was a twin and Phoenicia spoiled him something terrible because it was obvious that his mother, Fancy didn’t want anything to do with him. For a while… We were a happy little family…”
“Son after we were married, Phoenicia took up a career as Executive Secretary and bartender at tbe local Satanic Cult and Sokol Hall. All she could talk about was Satan this and Satan that…I got really sick of it. Pretty soon she took to bossing me around all the time and calling me names and comparing me to her boyfriend Satan … She also demanded that I refer to her as Royal Highness…and did I mind if she dated Satan on the side?… she turned into a raving shrew! The only thing she learned at the Devil’s Workshop was how to talk double-talk… When I asked her if she wanted a divorce she said, “Is that not what you don’t not want me not to not do?”… I took that as a yes.”
“She thought she was Wonder Woman but she was just a great big joke. I couldn’t take it no more so I went out and found me a better woman. I waited until Phoenicia went to one of her cult meetings… I grabbed my stuff and never looked back! It was the best thing I ever did…next to having an exhaust fan put in the outside crapper.”
Here’s a photo of Phoenicia and Fancy during happier times…
Well, there you have it, the latest developments in the Fancy (pronounced Fauncey) Brainstone trial!
Namaste! (that’s Yogi for Toodles!)
Undercover Cop Detective Gunther Tootie, 3rd Grader (Honor Roll)
The 9 Lives Of Buffalo Tom Peabody & Gunther Tootie