Dateline: Tallahassee, Florida
Detective Gunther Tootie reporting
The Fancy (Pronounced Fauncey) Brainstone murder trial is in recess while District Attorney Florian Burnem undergoes his annual colonoscopy screening. I decided to take this time to do some additional investigating.
I have learned that Fancy Brainstone is using her newfound “celebrity and notoriety” to plead her case directly to the public and has written a “tell all” article for Popular Parenting Magazine titled: “Mama’s Busy & Doesn’t Care!” In the article she explains how she would drop Chauncey and Chumlee at Walmart every morning at 8 a.m. and then pick them up every evening at about midnight. “It’s way better than daycare and the hours are better, not to mention my kids like the Walmart employees better than the teachers at daycare….and it’s absolutely free, they have the latest toys and Walmart never closes so it’s also ULTRA-SUPER-convenient. The only drawback is Walmart IS closed on Christmas and I usually want to get rid of the kids over the holidays.”
Here are some excerpts from the article
Apparently it has slipped Fancy’s mind that she is on trial for murdering one of her sons… Chumlee… by feeding him to an alligator!
Writing about raising her son Chauncey:
“I’m unemployed so I can’t spend a lot of time with my child but what time we do have together is real quality time. The time I spend driving my Chauncey to Walmart and the movies is priceless!”
“I’ve made it quite clear to Chauncey that it’s other people’s responsibility to make him happy and if they can’t do that simple thing, he should punish them.
A few years ago I took Chauncey to meet his idol, John Wayne… Well, actually it was a kind of creepy Walmart employee who had taken an unnatural interest in Chauncey that took him…BUT it was MY idea! Chauncey spends a lot of time talking about that special day to his court appointed therapist.”
Chauncey is “working” his way through Community College by driving a taxi…
I have also learned, while Fancy is on trial Chauncey has been released into the custody of his grandmother, Phoenicia Brainstone-Tubbalardi, Fancy’s 80 year old mother…
Chauncey has been implicated in a string of unsolved homicides.
Well, that’s my extra-special report for today! I’ll keep you posted!
Undercover Cop Detective Gunther Tootie, 3rd grader (Honor Roll)
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